On Being  50 and thinking about it too much --

 I  turned 50 this fall.  Many people have told me I do not look fifty.  I suppose they mean that my hair is not too gray thanks to a bit of a shot o' color and a new hair cut just before my birthday, combined with being the mother of a child in elementary school. Some how being where I am in life makes it seem odd  It is hard to be the mom of a 10 year old here in the suburbs of Maryland.  If I lived in NYC I'd be normal, here, not so much. I guess it could be the way I dress as well,  in jeans, hiking boots, casual slightly boho clothes, I am hard to place.  I don't dress like a corporate type, or like a matron which would age me too, so there are no outward clues.


Having had several people say " you don't look 50"  makes me wonder what does 50 look like? To put it finer does it mean that I don't look the way we saw 50 year olds then?   Does it mean that I don't look like 50 year old people did 40-45 years ago? Or does it mean our view of 50 has changed?  

Think about it, it is 1971 or 1976 the line between old and young is firmly drawn in many places, the  people who are 50 are our Aunts and Uncles, (maybe our parents) 2nd or 3rd cousins.The Principal at school is certainly 50 (age added due to rank), the lady next store, or the guy at the local pharmacy are the grown ups.  We don't even notice them really because we are still in kid world. Totally submerged for the most part in ourselves, our friends and our views on things which we are just realizing we can voice and do.  The grown ups may be interesting but unless they are special to us we don't think of them as anything more then a two diminsional  image of themselves, or just in relation to us as support or obstacle.  They aren't old or young just sort of in between, and the idea that they were ever like us is shocking mostly, later we realize the truth, that they might just have remembered what  it was like to be us as they looked back at us coming up behind them, never catching up fully. 


 Coming fast forward to the present, it is odd to be on the plateau now, on the flat land between the big climb from baby hood to full adult life.   It is only a plateau,  I am not finished but walking up to the next part of the mountain wondering what the rest of the climb be like. Now I am able to see  the view, both behind and ahead. Realizing more and more that there is no 50 look, no way of being, nothing to have done, beyond being myself and getting ready for the rest of the climb, knowing how much more there is to do and see, and become.

the frog and the wig

There was once a yellow green frog who vacationed at the bottom of the garden of a rambling old house in the country. He was large and had been a famous jumper in his day, until he was caught by a young girl and taken on all sorts of adventures. This made him feel quite well traveled and wise and gave him a sense of fashion.

Lula was sitting on a flat rock in shade surrounded by the contents of her back pack The frog was sitting on a glossy magazine page with pictures of smiling girls with huge eyes and long hair on one side and an ad that said " Glory Manes, your solution to hair loss!!!" on the other. Rupert (for that was the frog's name) thought "Oh,I have hair loss! " I must find a wig" he croaked to himself.

Lula looked up from her game, saw him sitting on the magazine and said laughing

"Rup what are you doing? Reading again?" She scooped him up and put him down in the house she was building for him next to a mossy rock near a pool of water, it was furnished with doll furniture collected from many different toys, some large some small. She set him down on a light green lawn chair next to Francie, a doll with large collection of clothes. Today Francie wore tan shorts, doc martin boots and a t shirt that said Save The Planet. Next to her on a flat rock where several glossy wigs. One was long and streaked with blonde, the next short and dark with bangs, the third was a purple mohawk. Rupert watched as Lula took a fourth wig with gold braids and put it on Francie's head. She searched thought a pocket in the back pack and pulled out a small blue cap and put it on the dolls head.

Watching a small fly out of the corner of his eye Rupert quickly flicked his tongue out, snapped it up it and croaked happily. "Good job!" Lula said "I 'm going to get you some meal worms and fruit" and off she ran.

Rupert hopped off the chair and over to the flat rock, it was mossy and warm. He looked at the streaked wig decided it didn't go with his skin tone and decided to try on the one with bangs first. He stuck his nose under the back of the wig and lifted it up pushing it back with one webbed foot, it settled with the bangs slightly over one eye. Lula had made a mirror for Francie out of a piece of mirror with purple duct tape around the edges she'd topped it with paper flowers he hopped over carefully and looked at himself. (to be continued)

The Queen of Scheduling or How to teach focus when yours isn't so hot

I have AD/HD, so does my daughter.

It makes it hard to be the Queen of Scheduling.

my daughter is very strong willed, knows what she wants, and will tell you about it (all skills which will stand her in good stead as an adult.) At this point however they just make it hard to get things done when there are chores to do or places to go

A typical morning goes as follows:

6:30 Dad wakes Daughter up on his way out to work -- she wakes up gives him a hug and goes back to sleep.

7:00 I begin the process of waking her up again " It's 7:00 time to wake up hon", an arm appears from the blankets and toys pointing towards the door --" in a minute Mommy!"

I turn on the light. There is a up upheaval of the blankets and a wail " Don't turn on the light!"

Me: take your medicine I put it out on your desk don't forget D: I WON'T!!  (imagine petulant wail)

7:30 I go get myself together for the day, and stop on my way back from the bathroom - are you awake ? muffled yes....

Me: " you have to get up now it's 7:40 , take you medication now"

D : In a minute Mommy!

Me "Your friend is coming over at 8:00 to go to school you need to get ready"

She gets up -- but it takes until her friend arrives at 8:15 for her to get shoes and socks on.

In between 7:30 and 8:30 she has made beautiful beaded bracelets out of an old pair of tights, lined up stuffed animals, found shoes, pulled out three outfits rejected them all and added them to the pile on her floor, stood on her head, hung upside down over the edge of the bed. Sung several versions of her fave song of the moment,

I have interrupted and refocused her every 5-10 minutes or so and tried to get her to take her medication at least 4 times. Because she hasn't taken it she doesn't have the focus to focus on taking it, or the ability to slow down and listen to me or curb her impulsive behavior enough to let me help her.

As a result, my ability to schedule my own morning is gone. While I am trying so very hard to keep my daughter focused enough to function I some times forget to take my own focusing medication, my hair dries in a bird's nest formation, and I throw on what ever clothing I can find thinking I will change later only to end up wearing my paint and clean the house pants all day, not pretty!  Add trying to get her to let me brush her hair or getting her to brush her own hair

( another 15 minute exchange at minimum) and I end up handing her toast with peanut butter, her lunch bag and rushing her out the door, making her take her medication in the car, winching knowing it won't take affect until she has been at school for 45 minutes to an hour.

Over the years I have tried charts, rewards, marbles, additional allowance, taking things away, adding things, all with mixed results. Each attempt lasts about two to four weeks before it seems to just not be worth it. Charts made her frustrated to the point that they where ripped down,erased (the dry erase board chart), hidden under the bed (the calendar chart). Rewards and additional allowance quickly became more about the rewards and trying to build up more rewards or allowance then learning a schedule or behavior and often brought on worse behavior, begging, demanding better stuff which led to discontinuing the system then and there, caring more about what she was going to get then what she had to do to get it.

I am still trying. I have a wonderful daughter, she is smart, funny, beautiful, and thinks she is ready to run her life if only she didn't have to listen to her idiot parents (a recent declaration lol). Funny thing she hasn't thought who will do tiresome things like pickup, wash things, cook, or provide money for Littlest Pet Shop Toys. Some day all too soon she will be old enough, and this will all be back story for the rest of her wonderful, fantastic, life which if I can help it she will schedule with ease and always style!